As some of you may know, I am currently in school, and I recently took a class called Conflict Resolution Counseling. I learned a lot about handling conflict biblically. I mean, who doesn’t need to know how to handle conflict? None of us is immune to conflict, and yes, there is even conflict in the church, even amongst Christ followers. Why? Because we are human. We disagree. We sometimes handle disagreements poorly. We don’t always communicate well. We may avoid conflict, but we may make things worse. In the fight or flight response, we run for the hills and never look back! The problem is, no one learns from running. We cannot correct an issue if we avoid it. We must confront the issue with love and respect because we are called to be peacemakers, an extension of Jesus here on earth.
I have had to navigate multiple conflicts in this season. Thankfully, these were not major earth-shattering conflicts. However, if handled poorly, they could have resulted in fractured relationships; if avoided entirely, I could have harbored bitterness and resentment that would still cause harm and eventually spill over onto those around me. So, what do we do when we encounter conflict? We pray. Before we do anything else, take it to the Lord in prayer. Laying it all out before Him, all the emotions you need to process, all the questions and concerns. Seek His face and His wisdom and guidance. His desire is for us to show the love of Jesus, regardless of what someone has done or said to us that caused offense. Our goal is to represent Christ in every situation, and we cannot do that if we handle conflict the way the world does.
We live in a culture that treats people like throwaways. As soon as someone offends, disagrees, or sometimes is just perceived as doing something wrong, they are “canceled.” We live in a “cancel culture.” What happened to the benefit of the doubt? Grace? Just a little, maybe? Nope, nothing! You’re just out, end of story!
God’s grace abounds. He bestows infinite grace to us, undeserved, unmerited favor. Because we are recipients of this undeserved grace, we are called to extend it to others. We are not just called to do so, but we should want to. Our desires should align with the Lord’s desires when we walk by the Spirit and not our flesh. That is why, before we react or respond, we must pray. We must ask the Holy Spirit to help us cultivate His fruit.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-25, NIV).
When emotions are high, it is not a good time to try to address the conflict. Take some time to sit with the Lord and even ask what part you have contributed to the conflict. This is part of the biblical process of reflecting and examining your own heart. The Holy Spirit will help you see where you may have said or done something that unintentionally caused harm, or where you may not have done something, you should have.
In one of my recent conflicts, as I processed my emotions with the Lord, He brought clarity to my unintentional neglect of the other person’s needs. I began to understand that, though this person did not communicate their needs, which can often cause conflict, I was not paying attention to subtle clues that they were carrying multiple burdens and possibly feeling overwhelmed. I was far too focused on how I felt about the situation, to the point of ignoring this person’s concerns. Because I value the relationship, it was crucial to address this conflict in a way that honored God and them. I knew that God would help me, and He did. We just cannot be afraid to confront an issue, even if it’s hard, and our natural response is to avoid. Led by the Spirit, we lovingly and respectfully choose to have a conversation and always extend grace and forgiveness as the Lord has forgiven us.
Often, we would probably avoid conflict altogether if we tried to view things from the other person’s perspective. When we learn to take the focus off ourselves and our needs and put it on others’ needs, honoring them above ourselves, we live as Christ did. We crucify our flesh and walk in humble obedience to our Lord and Savior. We live and love sacrificially.
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves (Romans 12:10). None of this comes easy to us. That’s why we need the Lord. We have the indwelling Spirit of God to grow the good fruit in us that allows us to be His humble, gentle, loving servants reflecting His goodness in all we say and do. We don’t get to make excuses or justify our behavior because we are human. We get to represent Christ because we are coheirs with Him. Let’s live like it! God will get all the Glory!
(Romans 12:9-10, NIV) Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
