Last month was breast cancer awareness month, and it always causes me to remember my breast cancer diagnosis with a smile. Don’t get me wrong here…I’m not diminishing the severity of breast cancer and all that it involves. Cancer is a horrible disease! It’s not just hard on the one who has it, but also on all their loved ones. It’s hard both emotionally and physically, and I wish no one ever had to go through it! But it was actually a gift to me.
I had been going through a tough time in my life, and I was in a dry and barren place spiritually. There had been so many back-to-back trials that I was just numb and questioning God, the “why” questions. Why me? Haven’t I been serving you? Haven’t I been doing all the things you asked me to do? I mean, I wasn’t living in sin. I was doing the hard things that come with living as a follower of Jesus, but the hits just kept coming. I was continually putting everyone else before me. As can often happen, the enemy snuck in with whispers of nobody really cares about you. They only care about what you will do for them. I responded with “that’s alright, I’m not doing it for them. I’m doing it for Jesus.” And I was. But time went on, and my body began to get tired, and my mind started to feel numb. I had slipped away from my quiet time with God because of my busy time “for” God. I was going through life in a haze. Then one more thing happened, and I was just done. I was angry and disbelieving of God’s love for me. So, I told Him I needed Him to show me that He truly loved me. That’s when I got the diagnosis.
I had stopped having mammograms 20 years before this because my body always grew things. I had my first biopsy at 17 and had many more, including lumpectomies, for years. They were all benign. Cancer is not a thing in my family. So, I finally said that’s enough and just stopped going. I had an annual checkup during this time that I was waiting for God to prove His love for me, and for the first time in years, my doctor looked at me and said, “You need to have a mammogram.” He knew that I had stopped having them and why, and never bugged me about it. But when he said that, Holy Spirit whispered, “Do it.” So, I did. I knew before I left that room that I had breast cancer. I said to God, “This wasn’t exactly what I was expecting when I asked You to show me how much You love me.” But there was such a sense of peace in my heart that I knew no matter what was about to happen, it was going to be amazing.
I had already begun to get up at 3am and read God’s word, searching for promises that I could lean on in my state of numbness. But now I was listening for what He wanted to say to me. When the day of the mammogram came and the radiologist wanted to do an ultrasound before I left, I was certain of the coming prognosis. He walked into the room afterwards and said, “I can’t find the markers that tell me it’s not cancer, so I want you to have a biopsy.” I told him I already knew. Just set it up. A couple of days later, I walked into the office where the biopsy would be performed and was met by a woman whom I had never actually met before but knew who she was through a mutual friend. She introduced herself, and I knew immediately that God had sent me to this particular spot. You see, she is in a Bible Study group with my friend and is a follower of Jesus. She stayed by my side, held my hand, and prayed for me while the biopsy was being done.
Despite the pain involved, I felt so loved, so protected, and at peace. He whispered to me, “This is how much I love you.” From that day forward, throughout the entire process of doctors and tests and plans, a double mastectomy and reconstruction…. I was loved by everyone I encountered every step of the way. I was wrapped in His love with peace and joy that made absolutely no sense to others. I never had a moment of fear. God taught me so much during this time that it is a true joy to remember my battle with breast cancer. It will forever bring a smile to my heart as I remember how much God loved me. How He heard my desperate cries and restored my relationship with Him.
(Romans 8:28 NLT) And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Because He loves us.
